just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Even tho I saw his penis. He is still a really nice guy.
will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
