look no pants
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
