one word: firstdatebathroomanal
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
Wat the fuck dude ketchup in my bong???
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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