Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
All I remember was yelling at him, "Its becasue of people like you that it took us so long to get to the moon!"
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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