I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
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