I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
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