i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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