did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Randomize
