Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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