You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize