I just made out with a guy for $7.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
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