I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
