he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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