I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Randomize
