Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.
I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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