just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
Randomize
