Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
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