every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
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