i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
