gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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