Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
