Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
