mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
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