I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
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