Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
It smells like ranch
Must be all the white people
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
Randomize
