Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
