apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize