Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
False alarm I know hes alive because when i tried shaking him awake he pissed his pants and rolled over..
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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