all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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