Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
