How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
