After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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