after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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