Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
Randomize
