my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
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