Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
