He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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