Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
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