if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
How would you go about getting a hold of the country star that you slept with and are now potentially pregnant with their baby...?
myspace Music?
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
When one of my seniors asked "Rough night?" I realized my poor decisions involving Tuesday night drinking did not go unnoticed.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Randomize
