her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Randomize
