Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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