I showed him my bush... on skype.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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