Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
