Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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