So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Randomize