There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
