I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Randomize
