I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
