Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
Randomize
