based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
We named our party play list daddy issues
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
When you guys came back from the bar, I thought everyone was a T-Rex - Thats why i was hiding under the table. Never doing shrooms with Drunk people again
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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