hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Randomize
