Anything crazier than usual happen? I woke up in a stairway with my cock out.
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Randomize