Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
