in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize