my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
this is no time to have dignity 4/20 is coming
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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