So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
