I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
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